Nancy Cole

Value and Ego

Thanks to my friend Chris Saad for his opening line in his most recent post:

“Above all else, you must have a great relationship with yourself. Without that strong foundation, you can not have a strong relationship with another person or organization.”

Today I am grateful for my children for their openness, and, to be really honest with what feels great, their trust in me to love them. Today I got that in spades. My 12-yr-old son told me, “I’m so lucky!!” as he put his arm around me on our way from lunch to yogurt. I asked why, and he said, “Just because you’re my mom and you’re here.” I’m lucky.

My 15-yr-old (this Saturday) daughter courageously shared her experiences of the day in a way that had me know that our sort of intimacy, no matter the content, is everything.

And then, as I switch career directions and means, there are challenges to my own value and desire to just feel like I am contributing in a meaningful way in life — something that I’ve struggled with in this whole new world of “freelancing”. Personally, I like to be indispensable, but that would be too brazenly egotistical and damaging. But today was one of those days of constant little messages to the contrary from people and situations outside my control (as everything external is). Nothing very significant, but it makes me strongly consider searching for the very well-defined job where I’m totally needed, wanted, and valued again. And to remember my value to my family — that the endless bits of coordination and orchestration add up to a lot.

These things are, indeed, external; and separate from Chris’s accurate opening line above. His reminder to me, and my own reminder to, in the midst of external and internal challenges to personal value, remember two things.

1. The value and respect I seek is already inside. And if I’m not feeling it, or if I start screaming for it, then stop everything, go there, and forget the rest.

2. Gratitude. When the world feels crazy, just know what you’re grateful for, and your entire perspective will change.

Dear AJ ~

I was wrong to think we were “friends” given obvious allegiances.
Of course you would leave me out in the cold. You don’t even know me.
We’ve never actually met, and sure, we’ve only spoken once.
But we have a single thread of connection that protected us from imagining,
And a trust that someone was on our side.
I had your back. You just turned yours.
And I’m angry at you for the lack of acknowledgement, and to be left guessing.
Everyone else got to say their peace.
Like musical chairs. One by one.
I watched a guy left with no chair for a long long time.
Then he quietly nudged you off of yours. With (significant) help (in denial).
When I told you your chair was gone. I gave you mine.
And I stood alone. Brave, raging, strong, and shouting the truth into silence.
Watching you all hide under your chairs and carry on… everything is cool.
It is all so cool, we can’t talk about it.
You pretend there is no hiding. Just make it go away. Just go away.

Know that you don’t have the truth. That’s certain. And I understand you don’t care.
One day more learning will present itself.
Another opportunity to grow. Which you will take or ignore. Again.