Nancy Cole

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Just so awesome. Love this one every time! #dance & #groove

(Source: Spotify)


“You’re only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it."  - Robin Williams [July 29th 1951 - August 11th 2014]

You’re only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it."
Robin Williams
[July 29th 1951 - August 11th 2014]

(Source: peterhale)

Jul 4

The Road to Somewhere

I find myself sitting in an air-conditioned luxury coach with wifi observing the driver of that other bus that I was thrown under. He thinks I’m still under there.

I made a little effort to get his attention, wave, smile — “Hey! I’m over here!”. But he’s focused on his driving, and impressing his passenger, because at least on that bus they are riding together. So let him imagine I’m there as long as it serves him. His bus moves slowly with me under the wheels, and its a strain to see him in the rear view mirror.

So I lay back, close my eyes, and sing….

"And I’ve gone by the point of caring,
Some old bed I’ll soon be sharing,
And I’ve got one more silver dollar,
But I’m not gonna let ‘em catch me, no
Not gonna let ‘em catch the Midnight Rider.”

~ Midnight Rider, Allman Brothers

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person—without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.

- Osho

Jun 1
On! @djshooey @space_cowboys #PublicWorks #UrbanCowboy #ripe #ripecast (at The Public Works SF)

On! @djshooey @space_cowboys #PublicWorks #UrbanCowboy #ripe #ripecast (at The Public Works SF)

May 6
theparisreview:

“Don’t touch her, she’s dead, I thought, as if this kind of touch pollutes. But another part of me knew that death isn’t contagious, that it moves more slowly than we think.”
Bess Lovejoy on her closest experience with death.

theparisreview:

“Don’t touch her, she’s dead, I thought, as if this kind of touch pollutes. But another part of me knew that death isn’t contagious, that it moves more slowly than we think.”

Bess Lovejoy on her closest experience with death.

#heart #hypem #hypehotel #beautiful production.

#heart #hypem #hypehotel #beautiful production.

Mar 7
Exactly home. #NorthTower #MarinCountyLine #crunchy GoldenGateBridge #nirthday #friends

Exactly home. #NorthTower #MarinCountyLine #crunchy GoldenGateBridge #nirthday #friends

It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

- Lester Burnham, American Beauty

When Something Beautiful is Made Ugly: A Metaphor on My Lawn.

I write this from my desk that faces the focal point of our property: a soccer-field-sized lawn at the end of a double cul-de-sac surrounded by mature trees. 

For this week’s treat, I have been delivered a powerful metaphor. My former partner, co-owner & best friend soiled our lawn quite dramatically in the form of a 12-ft diameter charcoal scar. A symbol of a life together than has been scorched, dead, cremated. This soiling of our still-shared, soon-to-be-listed property resulted from an illegal and spontaneous bonfire made up of material from a 40-ft play structure that needed to be removed in preparation for sale. The bonfire brought three fire trucks and several police cars to the cul-de-sac at the neighbors calling. Ironically he posted this childish act as an “end to childhood”. 

Why am I writing about this? Well, if you know me then you know that’s what I do. I’m pretty open, and I feel that sharing stories and experiences in a non-inflammatory way can be supportive & cathartic. I’ve heard from friends who are appreciative and interested. Also, there have been several Facebook posts — mine and his — that have brought concern and questions, and an urgent call to get out of here for my own emotional safety and that of my increasingly-worried, emotionally-confused kids. 

There has been a lot of wondering and concern for the perpetrator as well. Is he unstable? Why do these weekly or more “treats” keep coming? What is the call? What did I do to bring out a steady stream of physical and emotional space violations that seem as something a rebellious teenager might do? Well, it’s not for me to understand, but I know I’m hearing a constant drumbeat to switch what, at the time of breakup, I thought would be a lasting and close friendship, and make sure that can’t happen. That occasionally the words ask for friendship, but the actions are so entirely antagonistic, is even more confusing. 

The pattern of rebellion and lies is an old one, and as I look back, I am seeing more and more of what I let slide, and how I ought to have been paying closer attention when my reactions were strong. And at times they were very strong, as he likes to point out (and is the whole point of things like the bonfire, although I didn’t take the bait and I’m proud for that). But I’m now out of a cycle of accepting all aspects of the man I had loved, such as the spontaneous and rebellious teenager, so I receive his actions differently. There’s no more partnership and therefore no more motivation for me to “put up with”, “love through”, and accept disrespectful and hurtful behaviors.

More important than why the breakup happened and who is dating whom now is how my family is being treated since deciding to separate. It’s eerily and disturbingly reminiscent of my stepfather’s departure from my life. Like my own kids, I understood that he and my mom needed to separate — the reasons and who owned what part of the blame was totally uninteresting to me once the decision was done. How I was subsequently treated was all that mattered, and I’m reliving that now and watching it happen for my kids. We like to think we can stop negative cycles from repeating, and it saddens me to watch this. 

The only path to change, and chance to end the cycle, is to get us out of the way. So that I’m doing. What was once so beautiful, has become a black scar. Scorched. Incinerated. 

It will heal and repair and turn into something new and lush once again.

When Something Beautiful is Made Ugly: A Metaphor on My Lawn.

I write this from my desk that faces the focal point of our property: a soccer-field-sized lawn at the end of a double cul-de-sac surrounded by mature trees.

For this week’s treat, I have been delivered a powerful metaphor. My former partner, co-owner & best friend soiled our lawn quite dramatically in the form of a 12-ft diameter charcoal scar. A symbol of a life together than has been scorched, dead, cremated. This soiling of our still-shared, soon-to-be-listed property resulted from an illegal and spontaneous bonfire made up of material from a 40-ft play structure that needed to be removed in preparation for sale. The bonfire brought three fire trucks and several police cars to the cul-de-sac at the neighbors calling. Ironically he posted this childish act as an “end to childhood”.

Why am I writing about this? Well, if you know me then you know that’s what I do. I’m pretty open, and I feel that sharing stories and experiences in a non-inflammatory way can be supportive & cathartic. I’ve heard from friends who are appreciative and interested. Also, there have been several Facebook posts — mine and his — that have brought concern and questions, and an urgent call to get out of here for my own emotional safety and that of my increasingly-worried, emotionally-confused kids.

There has been a lot of wondering and concern for the perpetrator as well. Is he unstable? Why do these weekly or more “treats” keep coming? What is the call? What did I do to bring out a steady stream of physical and emotional space violations that seem as something a rebellious teenager might do? Well, it’s not for me to understand, but I know I’m hearing a constant drumbeat to switch what, at the time of breakup, I thought would be a lasting and close friendship, and make sure that can’t happen. That occasionally the words ask for friendship, but the actions are so entirely antagonistic, is even more confusing.

The pattern of rebellion and lies is an old one, and as I look back, I am seeing more and more of what I let slide, and how I ought to have been paying closer attention when my reactions were strong. And at times they were very strong, as he likes to point out (and is the whole point of things like the bonfire, although I didn’t take the bait and I’m proud for that). But I’m now out of a cycle of accepting all aspects of the man I had loved, such as the spontaneous and rebellious teenager, so I receive his actions differently. There’s no more partnership and therefore no more motivation for me to “put up with”, “love through”, and accept disrespectful and hurtful behaviors.

More important than why the breakup happened and who is dating whom now is how my family is being treated since deciding to separate. It’s eerily and disturbingly reminiscent of my stepfather’s departure from my life. Like my own kids, I understood that he and my mom needed to separate — the reasons and who owned what part of the blame was totally uninteresting to me once the decision was done. How I was subsequently treated was all that mattered, and I’m reliving that now and watching it happen for my kids. We like to think we can stop negative cycles from repeating, and it saddens me to watch this.

The only path to change, and chance to end the cycle, is to get us out of the way. So that I’m doing. What was once so beautiful, has become a black scar. Scorched. Incinerated.

It will heal and repair and turn into something new and lush once again.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile she’ll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

- Erick S. Gray

Patience only takes you so far. Then, at some point, you’ve moved from patience to self-betrayal.

-

~Nancy Cole

I decided to stop betraying myself as it became increasingly obvious I was being betrayed ever more by a man stuck in an endless loop of lamenting a past betrayal against me.#tragic

As patience wore out, I lost myself. Betrayed who I am. Then I found I had it all in my power to regain sanity, and return to #peace.

Dreamy low #fog under bright blue sky & #sunshine! #classic #SF #SouthTower  (at Golden Gate Bridge)

Dreamy low #fog under bright blue sky & #sunshine! #classic #SF #SouthTower (at Golden Gate Bridge)

I’m definitely going to miss this place. #gorgeous #home #sunset

I’m definitely going to miss this place. #gorgeous #home #sunset

Oxygen & Light

That feeling you get when buried alive — kicking, screaming, scratching in panic — and there appeared the latch. Released. #deepbreath #oxygen #light #freedom