Nancy Cole

Woman Seeking Pen and Paper

5/27/13: I’ve been writing a not-so-open letter to a someone as a cathartic & cleansing experiment. It’s a letter in a very strong voice that shouts in my brian forcefully & loudly as I dry my hair, get dressed, drive, workout, etc. It demands & insists & begs to be written.

But it’s just kinda sorta written. When the words are clear, powerful, and convincing… I am not writing. I’m seething and so far in my own head that I’ve never heard of a pen.

When I sit to write what was there, my conviction is less convicted. But the lure and impression of knowing what WAS in my head… and how drippy gorgeous it was in all its fury… well I think i have to wait for that power to return. And grab a pen!

Obviously I can’t sent it. And definitely not publicly. Well… I suppose there are circumstances where I would call the “last chance” bluff and say it as it is. Words published hit many ways, and words “out there” have a “ricochet rabbit” effect that can come around to haunt, taunt and, basically, backfire. #age #wisdom #experience #luckyforyou

So I write a post about a post that is a letter the people are not allowed to read. If I write to her everything that screams to me, maybe I can go back to a time of never having heard of her. After all, she just doesn’t matter.
#2Years
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Update 5/30/13: I wrote the letter. I wrote it all down. A delicious mix of innocence and evil.

Worry is an illusion of control where there is none

For my birthday today, my nearly 16-year-old daughter wrote me a card in her typical thoughtful and well-styled fashion. In it, she noted how happy she was that we got to go out to dinner together last night, and how glad she was to spend time together as I’ve been away quite a bit, and when home, working and distracted. It was just a little dinner out with her and her brother, but it led to gratitude on her part, which led to gratitude on my part for being so enormously blessed as to have a teenage daughter who enjoys spending time with me. Huge.

Thank you for the reminder, MC. And for rightfully pointing out that I’ve been noticeably stressed and tired. She wisely suggests getting enough sleep will help with that. ☺

In the past year or two, I have indeed been more stressed out, worried, and restless. Worry is a bitch. It prevents nothing, takes a ton of energy, and undermines the very relationships it is focused on. I worry about worry. It is, and has been, my goal to break the worry habit, which takes about as much vigilance as worry itself, so I should be well qualified.

Some days are entirely worry-free. Acupuncture has helped more than I would have thought as a “release on a cellular level” memories of trauma at various points throughout life. I’ve learned that the hyper-vigilance I’ve been experiencing is one of three typical manifestations of PTSD, and that allows me more patience with myself.

Worry is an illusion of control where there is none – an instinct to protect oneself when there is no protection but from within. It wanes overall as care for self rises above concern for the actions of others, and as one realizes that hurt is an extension of ego. All that said, it is still takes consistent effort. People can still do things that seem thoughtless and are frustrating, but I don’t have to make it personal.

For the coming year, I can only hope to get better and better at this practice of letting go of worry and the illusion of control where there is none. I will continue to be a deeply (but move away from “overly”) caring, intuitive and compassionate soul. I will endeavor to be disciplined and show restraint: not take on that which belongs to someone else; release my inclination toward emotional masochism; and expect the best despite the seemingly incredible risk that involves.

The real risk is in letting stress and worry keep me from enjoying the relationships that surround me. My goal is that next year’s card from my daughter has no mention of stress, tired, or work; and that her requests to spend more time together are fulfilled, because there is nothing more beautiful than that. #love